You Can't Develop E.Q. with IQ

I was talking with a client the other day about an E.Q. training they wanted their team to receive. We discussed whether we should have the training in person and which assessment would work best. I found myself saying that I truly preferred doing E.Q. training live whenever possible because E.Q. isn’t learned through IQ. In other words we don’t raise our E.Q. levels by learning about E.Q..

IQ is how we learn about E.Q. but it’s not how we develop it. We develop E.Q. through the right kinds of relationships and by becoming a curious observer of ourselves without critical judgment. We become curious about how we reacted or responded instead of shaming. Hmmm I wonder why I feel so anxious around this person? We learn to skip the self-condemnation and judgment and instead observe and analyze the emotional data that’s presenting itself in both ourselves and others.

I became aware of feeling anxious when I was with a particular person and it seemed odd to me, because I’m normally very comfortable in my skin regardless of who I’m with. So, it piqued my interest. I started asking myself (not out loud of course!) what’s going on for me? Am I anxious about something that has to do with this person? If so, what was happening that was causing that? After a few self-reflective questions I recognized that I wasn’t actually anxious, but I was feeling the other person's awkwardness and anxiety.

Now imagine for a minute that I didn’t have that kind of self-awareness or those types of tools. I might have instead thought, I don’t like this person. Or this person makes me so uncomfortable I just need to get away from them. Or perhaps I would have thought I was being stupid, ridiculous or irrational and needed to just knock it off. I might have started judging myself as inept relationally or a myriad of other negative assumptions. 

Because I was able to identify what was happening within me (I was able to analyze the data of my emotions), I was able to relax and separate their feelings from my own. I was able to talk through what I had come to this person to discuss. And the other person actually relaxed as well and the conversation ended up being really enjoyable.

Emotional intelligence and moving toward my emotions and discomfort, instead of away from them, made a huge relational difference in this situation. E.Q. gets us where we need to go without much of the messiness and problems we experience that come when we operate on autopilot or in our blindspots, unaware of what’s going on in ourselves and others.