Why Was RJ Cynical?
Have you ever noticed cynicism creeping in? Or maybe it’s sarcasm or irritability? And you wonder why you’re feeling that way, or maybe you don’t wonder and someone else points it out to you by asking you what’s wrong.
When we’re feeling angry, we know there’s some kind of problem that needs to be addressed and solved. But sometimes we feel angry when we’re actually sad or afraid, but anger is easier to express for some of us. I recall helping a leader follow their feeling of cynicism all the way down to the root so we could address the true problem.
RJ was transitioning from one role in his organization to another role. In this case, RJ was replacing someone currently in the role who wasn’t working out. His VP had come to him earlier asking if he would be willing to take on the new role.
During a coaching session RJ and I processed through the opportunity and in the end he decided it would be a good opportunity and career move and accepted the offer. His VP was pleased and they discussed different strategies together for how they wanted to move through the transition.
About a month later, in another session with RJ, he mentioned that the transition was taking longer than he had originally thought it would take. He talked about a breakfast he had a few weeks ago with the CFO, Kyle who, trying to encourage RJ, said you just focus on what you’re doing and let us take care of the rest of it.
I noticed something in RJ’s voice that alerted me to an opportunity for RJ’s growth. I asked him how he was feeling about the lingering transition. At first he did what many of us do; he tried to have a positive attitude. Oh, it’s okay...I know it will work out. Pressing him a little more, I asked him if he was possibly feeling angry about the transition and lack of progress and after some reflection he came up with the word cynical. I think I just feel cynicism creeping in and I really don’t know why.
RJ’s a 1 on the Enneagram, which tells me he can go to the emotion of anger pretty easily, but that other negative emotions are harder for him to access. I had a feeling that RJ might not be angry. 1’s are also often recognized by a harsh inner critic that can lead them into self-doubt and sadness.
I asked RJ to think about what he was feeling during his breakfast with Kyle. Instead he told me what he was thinking about the conversation. I know he was trying to support me and give me permission not to expend the energy on problem solving the situation because he knows how I am sometimes. He was trying to encourage me to have confidence in the leadership team and that they were working on it.
I agreed that was most likely what Kyle was doing, but again asked him how he was feeling afterwards. He finally said; I felt like I got uninvited...like he didn’t want my feedback or ideas...or that he didn’t value them. Now we were getting somewhere.
After some more processing, RJ was able to identify his self-limiting beliefs. Logically, he knew he was being supported, but emotionally, he felt he was being rejected. Thus the anger, which was actually covering sadness and believing his ideas weren’t wanted. Now we knew what to do. RJ needed to reach out to Kyle (they had a close relationship and he felt safe to do this with him. If it wasn’t this kind of relationship we would have come up with a different strategy) and share how he felt about that conversation and ask Kyle to share his perspective on what he had wanted RJ to hear. I wanted RJ to have a different experience from what his inner critic was telling him. He needed to hear someone else’s voice he trusted besides his own critical voice in his head.