Some Problems Aren't Logical

“You’re trying to solve the problem with reason and logic”, I told a client who was frustrated with an employee who seemed discouraged and disengaged. You’re trying to ‘tell’ him to be better but words don’t always work.

Sometimes ‘the problem’ can’t be solved through logic, because the problem isn’t logical; it’s emotional. So when you’re beating your head against a wall trying to think of another way to communicate the problem so that the other person will finally get it; stop and ask yourself: is the other person changing after your talks? After bringing more information? After encouraging them or cheering them on? After threatening them? After consequences? After sharing how it makes you feel? If the answer to these questions are most often no, then most likely it’s not the solution they need in order to hear you.

So what do they need to get it? What do they need so they can stop or start doing whatever it is that you want or need them to?

Sometimes they need what Dr. John Townsend calls Relational Nutrients (relationalnutrients.com), which get delivered through the way we do relationship with others; the way we meet problems and opportunities for growth with people. He lists the Nutrients in quadrants: 1. Be Present, 2. Relay the Good, 3. Provide Reality, 4. Call to Action. Most leaders like quadrants 3 & 4 because they do things like give advice, feedback or perspective or challenge behaviors. These are all good things. However, they don’t work well for you if you haven’t used enough of quadrant 1 & 2, which are Nutrients such as: affirmation, validation, encouragement, acceptance or celebration.

So why not? Why can’t we just give advice and make others get it? Because we are emotional and relational beings first; we are not just driven by information and intellectual understanding. We feel.

Yes, that little four letter word that begins with F. Feel. We are driven by our feelings. Often when a leader overuses what we refer to as Truth Nutrients; advice, feedback, etc., people just tune them out. It comes across as lecturing or critical and people shut down or put up walls. That’s why words don’t always work.

It takes working on identifying our own feelings and needs to develop the skills for attuning to other’s needs. It’s the work of emotional intelligence and it happens in good coaching relationships, growth groups, counseling and the right kinds of vulnerable, safe, transparent relationships. 

Trying to lead others to change requires both Grace & Truth Nutrients. Grace Nutrients, like affirmation and acceptance, feel uncomfortable for many of us or we don’t have a lot of practice with them. We don’t want to spend the time it takes to Be Present or Relay the Good. But if we want to give advice that’s received in a way that produces change, then this is our first step. Learning to receive and give these Nutrients in our relationships, personally and at work. 

Practically speaking, we can try to move from advice to curiosity which might sound something like this:

James, I can see that you’re feeling discouraged at work and I wondered if you would be willing to share with me what’s bothering you? Or: James, I noticed yesterday when we talked about being late for your shift that you seemed disengaged, I really want to hear about what was going on for you during that conversation. 

The point is not to caudal people; it’s to see them. To notice what’s happening for them. If you want them to listen to you; then first you need to understand what they need. And the best way to do that is by changing your strategy from “Stop it” to “What’s happening for you right now?” Your people are your investment. And like any investment, it requires intentional time, thought and consideration if we want it to grow and flourish. You’ve invested in your people in many ways already, but doing relationship well, is by far the most powerful investment resource you have.