Confronting A Negative Pattern of Behavior
I was hired to develop three new leaders in a relatively new, fast growing company. I was eager to meet each of them individually and begin the exciting process of learning their stories while strategizing about how to best build and coach them to higher levels of success.
My first meeting was with Carmen and it went great. I wasn’t surprised by this as my client was herself a great leader and she tended to attract talented people with high integrity and good self-awareness. My second meeting was with Bill and he was also promising. I could see that Bill had real potential and seemed excited for the opportunity to work with a coach. My third meeting was with Felicia and it was quite different.
I knew pretty quickly into the session that we were going to have trouble. Felicia seemed to be unimpressed and skeptical of coaching. She was very educated and accomplished but she seemed disengaged and somewhat irritated at having to spend the hour with me and didn’t put much effort into hiding her feelings.
Session two with Felicia went even worse. She showed up 15 minutes late. Sorry, she said, something came up at work and I had to deal with it. Okay, I thought, it happens.
After a few more sessions with Felicia, I realized she had been late to most of her sessions, she didn’t show up at all for one of them, and rescheduled minutes before on several other occasions. We had a pattern, not isolated incidences, a negative pattern of behavior that needed to be confronted if there was to be any hope for change.
So what do you do with a Felicia? Whether you’re investing in your leader or you’re a coach and this is your new client, confrontation is your next step. But how do you do it well? That’s often the difficult part.
Our confrontation went something like this; I asked if I could share some feedback with her. She agreed (most people will). I told her how I was experiencing her; that she had a pattern of showing up late, rescheduling last minute or just not showing at all. I explained that the message I was receiving from these choices was that she didn’t think coaching was important or needed. I asked her if my interpretation of her actions was correct; did she feel that coaching was a waste of her time? Felicia was clearly taken back for a few seconds, blinking a few times without an answer. Finally, she admitted that it was difficult for her to prioritize this time for herself and wasn’t convinced it would benefit her or her team.
When confronting Felicia, I was warm and direct. I was kind and clear. I simply saw it as her best opportunity for growth. I wanted to share the negative message that her choices were communicating to me. She later admitted that others had complained to her about similar things.
Felicia was never able to fully take ownership for her choices or see how they impacted others. She, subsequently, was unable to make the changes she needed as a leader. Not surprisingly, Felicia didn’t make it. After a few months she self-selected to become available to the marketplace. Unfortunately, for my client, she had wasted resources and time on Felicia before she quit.
Even though we lost Felicia, confronting the pattern was the right thing to do. Sometimes when confronting a pattern we find someone curious and willing to be coached and grow. There’s so much hope for change when someone is genuinely interested in their development.
Felicia was highly skilled in her area of expertise, executed well and brought in results. Unfortunately, this is an incomplete model for successful leadership when choosing people to build our teams and cultures. Felicia's lack of emotional intelligence, particularly in the areas of interpersonal relationship skills, self-awareness and empathy, along with her disinterest in learning about herself, stopped her from succeeding in this role and will continue to limit her if she chooses to ignore her need for development in these skills.