How Long to Wait for Someone to Change

Sometimes people change…and sometimes they don’t. How do I know when to believe in someone's ability to change?

Often I work with leaders who’ve had someone on staff that exhibits problematic behaviors on a regular basis. Behaviors such as avoidance of responsibility, negative attitudes, lack of follow through or poor communication skills. They try to reason with that person, sometimes even investing in their growth through training and coaching, but they still don’t see the results they are hoping for. So, how long do you wait? How can you tell it’s time to part ways or move on without them? These questions can plague those of us who don’t want to give up on someone or who want to believe the other person's promises of change.

One thing that’s really difficult to discern from people’s words is their true desire to grow or change. And yet, that’s often the only measurement we’re using to determine if there’s hope of change. Someone might say; I’m really sorry…I’m really trying…this won’t happen again, I promise…I hear you and understand now. These are the right words. Aren’t they? 

Maybe. It’s not someone’s words that really tell us about their true sincerity. It’s their behavior and actions that we should look at more closely and give more weight. It’s important to notice things like the timeline. How long has the problem been going on? Is the frequency between offenses getting longer and further apart? Is this person self-initiating education and growth opportunities on their own? Are they receiving coaching or training? Or are they reading books or joining some kind of growth group? Does this person come to you when they realize they’ve fallen or taken steps backward or do they wait to see if you notice? How do they respond when confronted? Angry? Defensive? Denial? Or with humble ownership?

There are many concrete symptoms of growth as well as symptoms of indifference or manipulation that we can use to determine the likelihood of someone actually trying to change. 

Changing people want you to notice their efforts and so they are often talking about whatever it is they are doing to grow in between their missteps. This awareness is very often a great indicator that growth is happening. On the other hand, people are smart and they can learn the right things to tell us in order to get themselves off the hot seat.

There’s a balanced middle on the spectrum that enables us to observe reality. We need to have an integrated ability to observe the truth that’s happening in the relationship, but also stay away from wishful thinking and swinging all the way to cutting people off without giving them grace and truth over time. I find that getting feedback from others outside the situation is often very helpful for me to sort through reality whenever I feel stuck about a necessary ending.

The bottom line is, listen to the words and at the same time pay close attention to behaviors and choices. Try and notice if there are small indicators that this person is truly attempting to grow outside of the time when they’re being confronted or challenged. If the only time it’s on their radar is when you are bringing it up it could be that you are the only one actually feeling the discomfort of the problem. If you are the only one talking about the problem you might want to rethink your strategy and determine if the benefit of this individual outweighs the negative consequences of their presence on your team or in your life.