Emotions are Data

I know all of this. A client once said during a session. Really? I didn’t think so. Well…he did intellectually know, however he had not been able to metabolize the knowledge…to move the knowledge from his brain into his life.

I know how to lose weight. Yep, I sure do. Calories, exercise…I know these things. Yet knowing these things does not give me a smaller butt now does it? Ha! No, of course not. We know that we would have to live the knowledge in order to achieve the results.

My client was frustrated because he’d spent a lot of years in therapy and now coaching and he still wasn’t feeling differently. He was still struggling with the same issues. He was stuck. So why wasn’t knowledge helping him?

Internal growth, change, transformation, greater self-awareness…none of these things are attainable through head knowledge alone. That’s science. Not an opinion. 

The science of emotional intelligence isn’t new. Yet many times I come across people who know what it is and not how it happens. It happens in the context of relationships. Yes, that’s right, we need others to truly develop this. Losing weight, if I follow the formula, I will achieve a result. Emotional intelligence is similar and yet cannot be done alone. 

I can’t figure out how people experience me by myself. I need feedback. I can’t discover my blind spots by myself; I need others' input. We don’t grow in isolation. We need the right kinds of relationships; the right kinds of environments and the right kind of experiences to grow in sustainable ways.

My client was, unfortunately, isolated. Yes, he had a therapist. Yes, he hired me to coach him. And still he was isolated. His self-protection was keeping growth out of his reach. He was willing to learn the information but unwilling to put himself into relationships where he could experience the information. He didn’t want to do emotions; he didn’t want to experience them.

Think about learning a new sport…maybe skiing. You read about it. You understand that you need balance and the right equipment and snow in order to do it. You’ve read books, listened to lectures, maybe even taken a course on it. Are you ready to take on the advanced slope? No, of course not. Why? Because you’ve not had any real experience yet.

Emotional intelligence…getting unstuck…these require experiences with others to achieve them. Experiences where we are open to receiving…not just intellectually…but emotionally. Oh there’s that dirty word. Emotionally. That’s right. We’re not going to grow without emotions. Emotions are the data that opens up our gateway to growth and development; to achieving a better self; to feeling more confident; to attaining a sense of well-being; to learning the skills of understanding what I need and where to go and get it; to becoming more successful; to leading better. Emotions are data. Why would we want to throw out important data about ourselves and our environments that could help us achieve our goals? 

Anger. An emotion. What’s the data of anger saying? It’s saying there’s something wrong. A problem to solve. I can either look more closely at this data and uncover the problem that needs addressed or I can dismiss it by telling myself things like it doesn’t matter…I shouldn’t feel that way…get over it…or screw them. Now, did the problem go away? No, of course not. It’s still there. Unresolved. Unaddressed. Still impacting us or others. Still blocking our goals.

Emotions are information that we can learn to use in helping identify what needs solved, or addressed or pruned from our lives and in our teams or our cultures. Don’t throw out data.