Coaching Tom
Sometimes, high achieving leaders avoid addressing a bad situation head-on because it feels painful or awkward, and it seems easier to avoid it and hope that the problem will resolve on its own. However, this often leads to more problems, as was the case for my client, Tom.
During a leadership coaching session with Tom, he made this comment:
“I’m seeing some hope on the horizon and now I feel like I can finally talk about it with my people because I can see a potential solution.”
I was immediately curious.
“Now you can talk about it?” I asked.
“Yeah, you know how frustrated the team has been because of this same problem with the marketing director, Steve, that we’ve had over and over.”
(Tom was the director of a large sales team and there was an ongoing conflict between him and Steve that thus far he had been unable to successfully rectify.)
“We have meeting after meeting and nothing changes and I know how discouraged they are. I didn’t want to just keep bringing up the problem because I didn’t have a solution for them. But now that Steve is retiring we will finally get someone else in that role and I can see some hope on the horizon!”
Without realizing it, Tom had relinquished his adult authority and accepted the negative reality of his conflict with Steve, believing there was nothing he could do about it.
This was a pattern for Tom who tended to be conflict avoidant and often failed to stand up for his team. As a result, his team was losing trust in Tom’s leadership competency, even though Tom was very skilled in many other ways. This was leading to a variety of additional problems, stacked on top of the root problem he was avoiding.
I saw an opportunity to coach Tom in a way that would allow him to strengthen some of his E.Q. skills which would help him navigate these kinds of situations more successfully. For example, if Tom had a higher level of assertiveness, problem solving and stress tolerance skills, he would have been better equipped to advocate for the needs of his team with Steve and come to some type of resolution instead of giving up in frustration. If he had a higher level of empathy and interpersonal relationship skills, these would have better equipped him to sit in the negative reality with his team and help contain their frustration and fears even if he didn’t have a solution. Just being present with them would have strengthened their confidence in him as a leader and helped them have greater endurance to withstand the negative reality.
Here are five ways that I worked with Tom to help him build his E.Q. skills:
Work on recognizing, understanding and appreciating how others feel and on being able to accurately articulate your understanding of their perspective. This will build the skill of empathy.
When coping with stressful or difficult situations, look for ways to manage or influence them in a positive manner. Instead of focusing on what you can’t control, put your energy into what you can control. This will build the skill of stress tolerance.
Problem Solving: the ability to find solutions in situations where negative emotions are involved.
Resist the impulse to disconnect with your team, or react with frustration. Instead, work on confronting the negative reality with compassion with your team. This will build the skill of interpersonal relationships.
Work on communicating beliefs, thoughts and feelings openly and defending your perspective in a non-offensive and non-destructive way. This will build the skill of assertiveness.
When Tom was lacking in these basic E.Q. competencies, he was unable to keep morale up on the team and his tendency to avoid problems only made morale worse. Helping him strengthen these E.Q. skills not only made a difference in his ability to solve problems, it also helped his team build their E.Q. skills in these areas as well, through the experiential modeling that Tom provided.
Lack of or underdeveloped E.Q. skills in a leader or on a team can cause a variety of problems that feel difficult to define and manage. If you find yourself trying to solve the same team problems over and over again, I can help you find a way forward! Contact me for a complimentary consultation to learn more about building E.Q. skills in yourself and those you lead.